Not that I owe anyone my “coming out” story, but I thought I’d share it. But really, I never had a “coming out” moment. I just dated who I wanted, and I never really told my family about my dating life anyways, so I didn’t feel I was hiding it, I was just not providing any information, which was usual for me. Information in a toxic family can be used against you.
Growing up I was always kind of boy crazy. I was the kid that had a “boyfriend” in kindergarten. We used to play power rangers on the playground and our parents would take us for happy meals together. As I got older, I still always had a boyfriend or crush, usually a boy on my soccer team or a neighbor, but it was never more than holding hands or quick pecks behind the goals at soccer.
In high school I started dating a guy friend that I was encouraged to date, and he was super kind and we ended up dating for years despite having very little chemistry. While dating him I had my first questions over my sexuality. During this time, I had realized that biological mom’s “roommate” was her partner. My biological mom is not a feminine lesbian, so I think that added confusion to how I felt, I was such a girly girl, I was convinced I had to be straight. But I was watching House, M.D. and Olivia Wilde portrays 13, the fun, wild, bisexual girl. I was watching her make out with a girl on screen and I knew I wanted to do that too! I wanted so badly to be making out with Olivia Wilde. At this time, I was probably sixteen, and I had kissed my best friend for like practice, but now I was wondering where my sexuality stood. Did I actually want my best friend instead of my boyfriend? While sorting all those things out, I put them on the back burner because homosexuality would not go down without a fight in my house and I was already committed to someone, so I just ignored it all, having the occasionally dream of a hot lesbian lover.
Fast forward to college, I am out on my own, still dating my high school boyfriend but I was starting to distance myself. I know college was my time to find myself and I realized if I clung to him the way I did in high school, I’d never find myself separate from him. I knew I was at the minimum bisexual, girls were just so pretty, and I wanted boobs of my own, but if they were not ever coming then I wanted to feel another girls’ soft breasts against where I’d wished mine were. It started with making out with random girls at parties, or at Waffle House some guy offered me $100 bill if I made out with his girlfriend, you better bet I jumped at that opportunity. But I felt like an imposter, like a little party girl pretending to be queer.
I finally broke up with my high school boyfriend, admitting that I didn’t know what I wanted out of life and I couldn’t figure it out following his plan. He wanted to be his dad, he wanted to live in his childhood home forever, he wanted kids, all things that still terrified me, hell I was 19 at most. I wanted space to discover myself, what I wanted out of life and who I wanted.
My junior of college, I was a Resident Advisor, I needed my tuition covered and that’s the quickest way to get free room and board. Slowly but surely, I was falling in love with my resident. Not only was she beautiful and captivating with these light blue eyes, and wild, sexy blonde hair, she was so fun and full of life. I loved being around her, looking back I realize, I am very attracted to people who full of life and energy and just creative and fun people, regardless of gender. Her & I had joked for months about being into each other, regularly being super affectionate but one day we just gave in, watching Black Swan, we ended up taking a make out session too far and I had broken a college rule, but I felt so completed, I felt like reassured that I really was bisexual, and I wanted a girl. This beautiful woman and I couldn’t commit to a real relationship, there were so many factors, including that I was technically still married to an idiot, but we still remain good long-distance friends and I think still pretty attracted to each other. I will speak to myself; she is still insanely beautiful still and from what I can tell still full of life and regularly on adventures. After that I primarily looked for females to date rather than males. I wanted to find someone else that was beautiful and full of life, I did, it just ended up being a 6 foot 4-inch-tall guy with killer shoulders and an epic jaw.
After graduating college, going through a crazy and weird divorce I started looking for girls to date, no one seemed like people I would want to date, I kept finding girls I had fun drinking and making out with or even going home together after a night out, but no one I wanted to settle down with. Two months into my transition back home and on the dating scene I met my current partner. I almost did not give him a chance because I wanted a female partner, but my friend convinced me to give him a chance since I usually never commented on men that I found attractive, but this guy was (and still is) the most handsome man I have ever seen, and I couldn’t contain my commentary. I instantly wanted him, but I did not want to act on it, I was pretty sure I would end up with a girl at this point. But after a couple dates, I was convinced he was the one for me regardless of gender.
Now I am very lucky to have an understanding partner, he knows he is dating a queer girl. He knows I am checking out the same girls he is and that definitely makes it easier to be honest about how I feel. I still have people who consider me a traitor to the queer cause for ending up with a male, but he is made for me, his soul and mine just work. I have never had someone make me feel so alive.
Recently I had someone ask me I was bisexual or pansexual and I really was not sure. I always considered myself bisexual because I am attracted to girly girls and manly men and I appreciate them each in their own sexuality, I appreciate the female figure and male figure so much, just separately. But then there is something to be said for falling in love with a soul, I think after I have met my current partner, I would love his soul no matter what body it was in. I have another friend who is just like a female soulmate, she is beautiful for sure, but really, I think if she were not straight, I’d date her no matter what body she was in. I really don’t love the labels, my idea of love and sex is so constantly growing and evolving. I just know I’m on the Kinsey Scale, I’m attracted to both males and females, and actually in love with very few souls. So, I’ll leave that as that. That is what I am, a girl who is attracted to both but in love with few.
Either way, have Pride, Celebrate, being a supporter, an ally and most of all, don’t be a dick.
